New Powers
by Captain Atticus
Summary: In which the Flock's new powers from book four get them into varying degrees of trouble. FAXNESS. Contains insanity and randomness and no, saying "cheese" for filler material is not randomness .
1. In Which Fang Loses Himself

**Disclaimer: I do not own Maximum Ride. Do you?**

**A/N: This chapter, luckily for you guys, is the chapter where I get to show you one of the downsides of Fang's new book four power. Inspiration for this one comes partially from Awkward Zombie's third comic, "Visibly Stupid." The other part comes from how ridiculous I thought the fourth book was.**

**Chapter the First; In Which Fang Loses Himself**

Fang inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Max's shampoo. He sighed luxuriously, and then pressed his lips to the object of his affection. This, of course, meant that he ended up with shampoo all over his lips.

Panicking, he rushed to turn on the shower, keeping his lips firmly pressed together in order to prevent the shampoo from entering his mouth. Fang stuck his head under the now-running water. He rubbed the shampoo away and spit vehemently down the drain. As good as Max's new fruity shampoo might smell, he was fairly certain it would taste horrible, and he wasn't actually all that willing to try it, either, as he'd probably have to call Poison Control afterward or something.

He turned off the shower because the Flock loved saving the world one gallon of conserved water at time (which related to global warming and mad science somehow, but that was Max's job to figure out) and he then exited the bathroom. Outside, a line had formed. The Gasman, although behind Max, cackled insanely and dived into the bathroom, rendering it utterly unusable for the rest of the week.

"Wow, Fang!" exclaimed Nudge. "I heard the shower turn on, and then turn off almost immediately! You sure are good at saving water!"

Fang winced. Of course; now they thought he had taken a shower.

"Why are your clothes so wet?" Max asked, as if questioning his sanity.

Nudge formulated a vaguely creditable theory instantly. "You took a shower with your clothes on, didn't you? That's, like, so smart of you! Now you, like, won't have to wash them in a washing machine, which saves even more water!"

"Er… yeah," Fang said eloquently.

Max sniffed the air. "You used my shampoo, didn't you?"

"Sorry," Fang mumbled, but she didn't seem to hear him.

"That is so sexy."

Fang stared at Max in alarm. He could've dealt with her being angry, and he was obviously sexy, especially with his shirt soaked through and his wet hair thrown to the side, but he wasn't sure he could deal with Max calling him "sexy."

"What?" he asked blankly, summing up his thoughts perfectly.

She didn't answer, but instead threw herself at him, pinning him against the wall. Fang struggled to free himself, but failed miserably. Max began kissing him passionately, holding his head firmly in place and forcing his mouth open.

"That's it, Max!" Nudge cheered. "If you drink Fang's saliva, you won't be as thirsty, and we can save even more water!"

Unable to move, Fang began to blend in with his surroundings. Eventually, he was completely invisible. Max backed away, puzzled and horrified.

"Fang?" she called, but he wisely chose not to move.

"AHA!" he shouted, "You'll never find me now!"

It was true. Max couldn't find him, despite the fact that he was shouting and standing directly in front of her.

Suddenly, Fang began to feel disconcerted. It was a good thing that Max couldn't find him, but what if he couldn't find himself? What if he lost himself, and never found himself again? What if he already had?

"Where am I?" he shrieked, panicking profusely. "I can't see myself! Somebody help!"

The Flock could not find him, and so he remained standing against the wall, lost, for the rest of his days. New powers could be tricky.

**A/N: I have no idea who the next chapter will focus on. Except I know that it won't be Fang, 'cause I just used him, and it can't very well be Max, because she didn't get a new power. Anyways, review to tell me what you thought and to inform me of who you think the next chapter should be about. That doesn't mean that the next chapter will be about that person; it just helps me decide.**

**And yes, I will get to work on The Rebirth of Itex soon. Maybe.**


	2. In Which Max Mutters Paranoidly

**A/N: Did Max's "Jeb was one of Them" rant annoy anyone else? It helped me discover that Max did gain a new power: the power of ridiculous paranoia.**

**...And yes, I've always found this fandom's utter obsession with Fang amusing.**

**Chapter the Second, in Which Max Mutters Paranoidly**

Fang took off his shirt

Fang took off his shirt. The resulting sound made him immediately replace the garment and hide behind Celeste. It was as if millions of fangirls suddenly cried out in joy, and then were suddenly silenced.

After a moment, he set down the teddy bear, whispered an apology into her ear, and exited the bathroom. It seemed that, once again, he would be unable to shower. Blast those fangirls and their obsession with his chest. Then… he couldn't really blame them; it was rather magnificent…

He lifted his shirt a few inches for a quick peek. The noise began again. Silently, he vowed to wear a ski jacket for the rest of his life. Even with the t-shirt firmly on, people kept popping up out of nowhere and swooning at the sight of his arms. Now if only he could win over the one his heart belonged to…

Suddenly, Max turned around the corner. Fang groaned inwardly and pressed himself against the wall, willing himself to disappear.

_Not her!_ he thought angrily._ She's not the one!_

Luckily for Fang (who, apparently, was in love with someone who was _not_ Max), Max did not appear to have noticed him. She was muttering to herself and throwing a more-than-occasional suspicious glance around the narrow hallway. Fang held his breath, hoping she would pass quickly. Of course, this meant that she stopped directly in front of him, with her elbow mere inches away from his superbly sculpted chest.

"…They're everywhere," she said, her voice low and frantic. "Never know when one of Them might pop out at me. No telling who's one of Them and who isn't. Jeb turned out to be one of Them. Anne was one of Them. Ari was one of Them. Angel pretended to be one of Them; maybe she really is…"

Fang stared incredulously at her. Sure, they'd had some close calls in the past, they'd been betrayed a few times, but this was just insane. Had Max lost it at last? Or had she lost it in the last chapter?

"…Everyone close to me could be a traitor. No, everyone close to me _is_ a traitor… The Flock is closest to me… Fang…" Max's eyes lit in horror. "FANG IS ONE OF THEM!"

Fang couldn't help it; he ran. This revealed him instantly, as his camouflaging technique stopped working as soon as he moved, but he had to get away. Max followed in close pursuit; this time one with homicidal intents instead of romantic.

"Traitor!" Max screeched as they ran through the garage.

She chucked a push broom at his head. Fang winced as it hit him, but really, it did bring several rather interesting questions to bear. For example, what would happen if one whacked Darth Vader with a push broom? How could the push broom be employed as a musical instrument or explosive device? What would one name a being composed of a push broom, socks, and Abraham Lincoln's top hat?

Yet, Fang was forced to ignore these questions in order to dodge a chainsaw.

"Max!" he called out in terror, realized that it did not sound manly enough, and then flexed his cleverly chiseled chest muscles in order to try again.

"Max," he boomed, "Do you not recognize me?"

"You're one of Them!" she snarled viciously, and attempted to stab him in the eye with a screwdriver.

He dodged the horrible tool. "No, Max. I'm the guy you kiss whenever James Patterson needs filler material!"

Max paused a moment to think. She set down the screwdriver, and for a moment even appeared to be regaining her senses. Then she deftly flung a box of rusty nails at Fang.

"Then you deserve to die!" she yelled.

Once again, Fang ran from her horrible wrath. He dashed to the bathroom, aware that the one and only being willing to help him still resided within.

"Celeste!" he cried, embracing the white bear. "You must help me! My jealous ex-lover is pursuing me and wants to kill me with common household items!"

Celeste remained silent.

Fang stared in despair for a second. Suddenly, he realized what she was trying to tell him! Only he, Fang, could defeat Max! He knew just how to do it, too!

As Max dashed around the corner, frying pan in hand, Fang ripped off his shirt. Fangirls screamed, global warming grew worse, and Max swooned, her power of Paranoia absolutely useless against his raw masculinity.

Fang grinned in triumph and returned to Celeste. By the time Max awoke, he was whispering seductively in the bear's ear, and the pair were intertwined in Fang's long-needed shower.

**A/N: Review? Please? Or I'll keep mentioning socks and top hats obsessively?**


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